JOKE TIME - 3

I shot him dead!


Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened that night?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just lay down and told him, 'take me, young man, take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

We, the juror find the dependent....

BFF, Baby Jazmin, many thanks for sharing this to me. It's really a funny joke. It adds color to my boring days here.

IF CHILDREN

If Children

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they learn to have faith.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance and friendship,
they learn to love the world.

Author Unknown

It is worth remembering that children are fragile as they are. They may see the doom in life unless we realize how our actions can make or unmake them.

THE ABUSED FATHER!

Do you believe in negative energy,
karma, curse? Are they real?

There are times in fit of anger we wish bad things on others, and to our amazement, the bad things start to happen. Curses, as my folks used to say, are words highly charged with negative vibrations, and that they are powerful in certain circumstances. The effectiveness of a curse is determined by how empowered you feel. Here's an example of a very powerful curse. This is a true story which happened lately.

An embittered father who had suffered years of abuse at the hands of his own son cursed him resulting in his immediate death. The son recently beat his father black and blue and drove off in the family car leaving the father crying and wailing. Feeling helpless, the father went to a police station to report his son and began invoking one curse after another. A few minutes later, the police station received a report of a terrible car accident in which a young man had died. It soon transpired that the young man was the son who had just been cursed by his father.

THE CORAL ROSE

The Coral Rose

the symbol of elegance
grace and beauty
captivating and alluring
desire
fascination
longing
enthusiasm

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - OLD AGE

"All the sands of my life
are somehow getting into the
wrong end of the hourglass. If I could
could only reverse it! Were it my
power to do so, would I?"


Thomas Bailey Aldrich

WHAT IS OLD?

While on repat leave, my nephews and nieces were always having clean fun jokes of my age, and that I should now get a senior citizen card to avail all the special privileges and benefits granted to elderly citizens, such as fare discounts, health care, etc. They would always end up looking at each other and laughed their hearts out loud. Hey... hey... hey... come on guys... I am not that old! Am only ... ty-two! The truth is, I am still young. They just love to tease me because I look older for my age.

Why do people become more fearful with the approach of age? One reason is that we live in a society that glorifies youth. Although middle-aged people in our society may be respected, this respect can be threatened by an arbitrary retirement age. While other factors may be at work, the approach of old age adds to anxiety during middle life, and perhaps makes people feel old sooner.

Getting old seems remote to most young people. Even people of sixty-five who are active and healthy tend to think of themselves as middle aged rather than old, and often insist that you are as young as you feel. But a person of fifty who is in poor health my feel very old.

We put off thinking about growing old. Yet reminders of old age are present from childhood. When young, we may have contact with an aging grandparent. Later we may be responsible for the physical and emotional needs of aging parents. Our experiences with aging friends and relatives will influence our own experiences in later years.

Being old is an individual matter. What people make of old age is influenced by the health and the viewpoint they bring to it. Cultural attitudes are important, also. Most cultures respect the aged.

THE LIFELINE TO GOD!

Prayer like life is a unique experience to each person. It is very personal. It is the deepening of one's personal relationship with God. An art of communicating between you and Him. As form of communication, prayer involves your talking and listening to God. So prayer, is simply talking to God and listening to Him while he talks. It is the most basic expression of our faith in God. To quote the author of the Power of Living, "it is the breathing of our spiritual life. It is our lifeline to God."

But how many of us today have difficulty in praying? How should we pray? And what if we will no longer pray? You will soon find out that you longer recognize and hear Jesus Christ talking to you through the circumstances of your life. Prayer is turning to God and without it our lives become progressively more self-centered.

WINNING AT THE GAME OF LIFE

A good friend shared this very inspiring prayer.
So what's the goal of life and how do you win the game?

Dear Lord, please help me be a good sport in the game of life. I am asking for an easy place n the lineup. In fact, put me anywhere You need me. I always try to give You 100% of everything I have.

If all the hard drives seem to come my way, then I thank You for the compliment, knowing that You never send Your players more trouble than they can handle.

I also ask You Lord, to help me accept the bad breaks as part of the game and may i always play on the square despite what others may do. Help me to keep reading and studying "The Book" so I'll always know the rules.

And if the natural turn of events goes against me and I'm benched either for sickness or old age, help me to accept that as part of the game, too. Keep me from whimpering that I was framed or that I a raw deal.

And lastly, my Lord, when my final inning comes, I ask for no laurels. My only goal is to know in my heart that I played as well as I could and that I didn't let You down.

Amen!

"The Kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in the field.
When a man found it, he hid it again, and then
in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."

Jesus Christ (Matthew 13:44 NIV)

JOKE TIME - 2

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the light. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator... soft, wonderful, and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids!"

HOW DO WE GET ATTITUDES?

I always hear the phrase, "he/she has an attitude!"
But how do we get attitude?

An attitude differs from an opinion, belief, or simply a point of view. An attitude implies a feeling about something as well as knowledge of it. Attitudes have a dynamic, motivational impact that the other concepts lack. When beliefs or opinions are emotionally tinged, when they involve existing situations, and when they cause us to respond in a consistent way toward people or events, they become attitudes.

In one case, our attitude is based on what we read. In the other, it is based on what we saw. Attitudes can also come from observing models--seeing how other people do things. Attitude can come from being rewarded or punished for conforming or not conforming to standards our family or peers consider important.

DWF - A TRAFFIC VIOLATION!

What is DWF?

It's a traffic violation, which means "Driving While Female!"

A woman was caught violating the law by being behind the streering wheel of a moving car. She's an Arab foreigner, and being married to a local man, definitely knows the dos' and don'ts about driving in the kingdom. The husband was called to the police station to pick his wife. The cop instructed the husband to make sure his wife does not repeat such a terrible crime as driving a car, which, according to the defenders of the law can lead to immoral behavior.

Considering how many men drive in the Kingdom (and the lax enforcement of speed limits and other basic driving rules), apparently, it's not quite as immoral to endanger the lives of selves and others by speeding, changing lanes erratically without signaling, and disregarding traffic signs.

If you wish to thoroughly enjoy and live an ideal life in the Kingdom, please observe rules and regulations and be respectful of the local traditions.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - FIDELITY

"Nothing is more noble,
nothing more venerable than fidelity.
Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred
excellences and endowments of the
human mind."


Marcus Tulius Cicero

A WEDDING RITE INTERRUPTED!

Strange News

"No, father, you are not going to
neglect our mother again!"

Three sons prevented their father from committing bigamy by abducting him from his own wedding. The sons, who accused their father of neglecting their mother, brandished axes and knives at wedding guests before bundling their father into a car and whisking him away. Wedding guests at the school hall tried to salvage the occasion by turning it into a church service. But the bride left in tears.

The pastor, who was supposed to preside over the wedding, urged guests to still enjoy the food and give gifts. "Although there are no papers to be signed here, I am going to give my gift and say, 'God bless this family'," the pastor told the guests.

It happened in Zimbabwe!

HIGHER EDUCATION, HIGHER FEES!

Nowadays, sending children to good schools for higher education is a very expensive endeavor.

The step taken recently by a number of schools to increase their fees is undoubtedly of great significance as it affects a large number of families and their children. The increase in fee will also have an influence on families on whether or not to continue educating their children.

The question really is not whether the increases in school fees are justified or not. Rather, the issue at hand here is how will the increase affect the quality of education that is being placed on offer. The relationship between pricing fees and the areas it is affecting within a certain educational system should be closely monitored. Such an outlook, of course, should by no means be perceived as a mandate for schools to increase prices unreasonably and unjustifiably.

To offer appropriate and qualified education does not render schools the right to turn this into an unaffordable burden for parents. At times, the ends do not necessarily justify the means.

TRIVIA - DEFENDER OF THE FAITH

In 1521, Henry the VIII

had the title of "Defender of the Faith"

Did you know that ten years before Henry VIII broke with the Roman Catholic Church and established the Church of England over the issue of his divorce, he wrote a book entitled, Assertion of the Seven Sacraments, which attacked Martin Luther's theses and affirmed his loyalty to the pope. The pope granted Henry the title, "Defender of the Faith" for having written this scholastic work. The king kept the title after breaking away from Catholicism--as have his successors to this very day.